Crazy in Love: Communication

Welcome to our Crazy in Love series. This series is designed to help focus couples on what truly matters in their marriage from a Biblical perspective. As we work our way through our main topics, you will be provided with a main content section as well as a Real Life section for you guessed it, practicing the hard stuff we talk about in the session.

Crazy in Love: Communication

Talking and communicating are not the same thing. Talking or speaking is a physical act or motion that frankly doesn’t take much effort. The old saying might just be true, “God gave us one mouth and two ears for a reason.” Communicating on the other hand is much harder and much more difficult. Communicating involves listening first so that you know how best to respond to the conversation before you.

Over the course of my professional career, I have trained hundreds of new financial advisors as they began their careers. It never failed within the course of the first few meetings I attended with the advisor with their prospective client that there exists a natural urge to jump right in and say something. My advice always was “stop talking and just listen.”

James 1:19 Remember this, my dear brothers: Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

We naturally don’t like silence. We naturally do a great job of assuming what the other person in the conversation is thinking. This is where listening plays such a critical role in communication.

Have you considered the other person’s perspective? Have you made assumptions that may be false? Are you letting your emotions drive your response? Communication requires more than just a physical action. It’s an intellectual exercise that is hard. It is certainly challenging. Especially when there are multiple ways we communicate with others.

Verbal Communication

Who doesn’t like to receive a compliment? We like to hear you look nice or thank you for helping with this. Or better yet, when was the last time you said “I love you” to your spouse. Verbal communication is front and center in our relationships every day. Being able to communicate with verbal expressions of your love, and thankfulness for your spouse are essential foundations to communication in your marriage.

Tell your spouse that you love them multiple times a day. Let them know how thankful you are for a helping hand with the dishes. Ask them about their day and listen to what they have to say. Let them know how beautiful or good looking they are when you see them. Go out of your way to share tender moments of communication with your spouse.

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come from your mouths. Say only what is beneficial when there is a need to build up others, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear.

Just like expressions of pleasure we have discussed, you need to be able to share with your spouse in a constructive verbal manner things that are bothering you. If you are frustrated or annoyed by something, talk to your spouse about it. As the passage from 4:29 reminded us, when you have this conversation with your spouse do it in such a way that builds up your spouse. Don’t start the conversation in anger or a series of non-verbal actions that show you are frustrated with your spouse. Instead, have a conversation filled with grace that allows your spouse to see the love of Christ through you.

And don’t forget one of the most important things, have the conversation immediately. Don’t let what is bothering you drag on for days and days. Don’t let the anger or resentment or frustration build and build until it explodes like a volcano.

Ephesians 4:26,27 Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. 27 Do not give the Devil an opportunity.

The longer the issue is unresolved, the more and more the devil digs into your relationship and finds a footing. Do not give the Devil this opportunity.

Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you know how you are to answer each person.

Create some ground rules with your spouse that this rule is number one in your relationship. If something is bothering you have an open invitation to come to each other immediately. I will listen. I will not take it personally. And we will commit to resolving the issue right then and there so that the issue is resolved. And if we have wronged each other, we will ask for forgiveness and then verbally offer each other forgiveness.

And then you put it away. Don’t bring up past issues from the past that you have already offered to forgive.

Non-verbal Communication

Over the summer I was introduced to a show by my daughter on HGTV called House Hunters Comedians on Couches. If you have never seen House Hunters, it’s a show that walks through a homeowner’s search for their next perfect home. Typically, they will explore 3 or 4 properties and then they must decide which home is the one they will purchase. Except this twist on the series adds in a completely new element with comedians adding the commentary of the homeowner’s journey. These comedians often pick up on the non-verbal cues one of the homeowners will give to the other homeowner as they add their own commentary on what is happening or what they are thinking. It’s amazing to see how much is communicated through a glare, a passing glance or by body language. It’s entertaining to say the least.

How true is this as it relates to our marriages. We communicate very powerfully with our non-verbal actions. Happiness, displeasure, and bewilderment are all actions that are powerfully communicated without words. Stop and think about the non-verbal cues you may be giving to your spouse. Here’s a short list:

• Turning of the shoulders.

• Ignoring your spouse when they speak to you.

• Walking to a different room when your spouse enters the room.

• Forcibly shutting a door to make a point you are heard.

• A rub of the shoulder as you walk by.

But please don’t take this to mean that all non-verbal communication is bad. Non-verbal communication can be a positive force in communication.

• Holding the hand of your spouse.

• A touch of the back.

• A glimpse of eye contact that says I love you and it’s wonderful to see you.

• Opening the door for your spouse when you enter the room together.

• Opening of a car door for your spouse (chivalry is not dead yet gentlemen).

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are also doing.

Physical Acts

Make dinner. Go to the grocery store. Wash the dishes. Take out the garbage. Clean the bathroom. Do the laundry. Take a walk together. Have a weekly or monthly date night for just the two of you to talk and spend time together outside of all the other daily distractions.

The old saying goes “actions speak louder than words.” You can say I love you as much as you want but backing it up with action speaks louder than any words you could utter. Or how about this, when was the last time you wrote your spouse a handwritten note – an actual handwritten note. We are not talking about a text message, or Facebook messenger note. Get yourself one of those old-fashioned pieces of paper and tell your spouse how much they mean to you. Thank them for all the amazing things that caused you to fall to crazy in love with them when you first met.

Real Life

This week find your spouse and walk through the following Bible passages. Talk through how you feel about each one and ideas you have to improve your communication both verbal and non-verbal.

Ephesians 4:26,27 Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. 27 Do not give the Devil an opportunity.

Is there anything our marriage currently that needs to be resolved?

How can we handle issues and disagreements in the future?

What are our ground rules to resolving conflict that we both agree upon?

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are also doing.

What are two things I can do for my spouse this week to show them how much I love them?